It felt good...

'I, Suchismita Das am sorry to inform you that henceforward I will discontinue my services for your esteemed house on personal grounds'--it felt good to have ended an ordeal that otherwise would have taken me another accident to walk out of. It feels great to be a woman but now that I am growing in years and sensibly too, I've known there are more cons than pros when I'd have to enumerate 'being a woman'. Whether we acknowledge it or not we hardly realize that at the end of the day we are petty creatures left to battle the sexual bias all by ourselves. Till late, or precisely till today, this very moment I did not know that sexual harassment could have such strange methods of being implicated. In retrospect, I felt, I jumped into it with eyes wide open but the brain so oblivious; I could not fathom the depth of the thick soup I was drowning in. Choking, suffocating and at all times holding on to the twig that would hardly bear my weight. But I managed to find the shore right when the twig gave way. This is it with most of us when all is over it dawns on us that we were so STUPID! But having reached the shore I garnered all the courage to pen that spite on paper and no words and no emotional outburst could oh! so wonderfully release me off this burden of harassment. 'I quit' sometimes could just be loaded with meaning--I win!

Its another sick day with a sick feeling in my stomach...

Life can be overtly frustrating at times. Its not that its the scarcity of something that has you brooding but just that nothing seems right. For professional women in love the matters are even worse. As the days go by you realize that love's rosy picture as in the imaginary world of filmography is anything but true. Definitely you have not fallen out of love or for that matter fallen in love with someone else but you see your counterpart is bogged down with his or her own issues that you have just the blog space to bare your heart. Then those hypocritical bosses who for their own ends make you sweat it out and slog and then make you work against your wish--here I'm not just referring to the hours of the day but to the kind of work you are made to do.If you can call it quits you're brave but sometimes showing off your bravery does not go down well with those around you. Its difficult explaining to them that the world is not as it appears.

Just about that...

As it is now...

Currently I am all too muzzled up with ten things up my sleeve and a confused brain trying to sort out a perfect plan to resolve each entity. Unfortunately, none of these aspects have any credible solution or a right or wrong; which is to say that they are the manifestations of the many abstract things that pollute my super-intellect...Of course if I really have to look beyond the narcissism and also forsake my feigned humility of a subdued gracious genius lost in the gutters of the decaying employment dynamics of Kolkata, (pause - I need a break from this elaborate digression!), I am currently back to my perpetual cribbing self. For much of this time I have borne this humdrum of life is a compromise but suddenly my ever suspicious intellect rose from its slumber to realize 'Ouch! stagnation...Holmes, stagnation...'Much too late my dear Watson. I had a clue of it even before there was a case - a case of exploitation and an ever eluding dream.
But to rest my critical and self pitying self aside I'd have to admit that if illusion were reality then perhaps the beauty of illusion would have ceased. The mirage has a significance only because it fools you into believing the impossible. Is it not synonymous with hope? at least in these years I have realized that this four letter word has kept be going. Sometimes it has inspired, sometimes imbued me with a challenge, sometimes tempered me and always stood by me when I needed someone by my side the most. It is ironic that illusion and hope are impalpable but to the sore heart and the dreamer's eye they are the only two true things that exist and sustain.

Sincerely I have begun to doubt my ability to manipulate language. Often when I rehearse in mind the day's events and the news of a friend suddenly making headway into a reputed newspaper agency, publishing house or magazine editorial team, I sink back into an unhappy unsatiated dissatisfied doldrums from where retrieval seems impossible.Many a summer and winter have gone by but spring is that ever elusive season for which I pine in vain. At this point in time I perhaps don't know what is my direction or where I shall find an exit from this cycle of monotony and depression. Excepting for penning down my thoughts or should I say literally typing them, I have no recluse...

Have you ever wondered what it is living in a world that is a parody of virtue existence, where 'fair is foul and foul is fair'? In this era of deceit, despair and despondency, we are mindless morons handicapped by machines and crippled by greedy materialism. On one hand people offer hypocritical prayers for salvation and on the other they slyly enjoy the monetary pleasures, unconsciously inheriting the very vice they preach as 'sin'. At the core we are a selfish and rotten tribe , corrupted and defiled , the true begotten sons and daughters of Adam and Eve, blaming and accusing each other. This is the blatant truth. It is almost hilarious that not some centuries ago priests sold 'salvation' in exchange of money; and today too a simple forty five minutes of meditation promises to cleanse us of all misdeeds! Like magicians and conjurers they make us believe that illusion is the reality. Philosophy and morals in theory appease tender hearts, none of us follow it but we swear by every word. Now at kitty parties and high tea people come and go talking not about Michaelangelo but spirituality and morality. Ironically though, traditionalism is passe. Life is so convoluted that we can no longer judge the right and the wrong and the night is as bright as the day. That is why when the mind seeks some respite and we introspect we find ourselves meandering in the wilderness of moral discrepancies.

I forgive

Little by little time flies,
Everyday a hope brings
that tomorrow will be a better day.
Flowers bloom and birds do chirp
but amidst the city din and dirt
All is lost 'cept the grimacing face
Of loneliness, despair and loss.
Where all the happiness is
I will never know!
Why the creepy shadows of hate
smear what was once love's galore?
"How are you?" a stranger asks
But I smile wryly,
For I can now see through the masks,
All that seemed so lovely and pure
Is mud and dirt today for sure!
They have hurt me much
They have served me right
For all I did and did not do
Silent prayers I offered too!
No one asked me a favour,
No one said I need have cared,
It was me that wanted more-
A smile on the faces of those I adore!
Judgement Day will tell my fate,
But it is true I have known,
They have hanged and killed
All who dared...
And all who cared!
When I gasp for life at last
I will all my blessings cast,
On the world
And them that sneered
Made me live the life I feared.
Only spare me a thought,
Good or bad,
I care not.
I know a tear will smear their face
When I am gone without a trace!