So it appears Mr Charmer cannot understand why he behaves the way he does and obviously he cannot ignore me, and he does not want me hurt, does not want to admit I am a close friend but is one (through actions), says "bye" to all and deliberately avoids saying bye to me and then comes back and says bye again...when asked like all other times says he does not know why he is doing it...well I have decided to play it cool. I know he loves me and he is battling with his emotions unaware that it surfaces often, trying to give another pretty girl importance and then explaining (which is not his nature) that it is just a mere leg pulling and casual friendship...says you understand me despite that you expect me to behave in one way...when I said you don't need to, he said but you react--you are hurt. But why does he do any of these things there may be reasons but honestly he does not know. Period. Mr Charmer you will come for me...no matter which part of the world you will love me so much that you will seek me out you will travel miles just to be with me...and he can make me jealous...so if I feel love you do too otherwise you' be secretive...that is what you like right...I want to see you wild with passion for me...and I know you will be!

Solitude or loneliness, you can choose your preferred synonym, is the best Muse. At least, ever since I have come of age and literature became my bread and butter, it has been the undisputed balm to that aching sense of melancholic existence. Even though people claim to have observed a couple of grey hairs dangling from the corners, no one's ever, even in passing, remotely related wisdom to me. Foolishness has no end for me, and precedence has taught me nothing it seems--so my certitude has fallen face flat again, and all my self esteem is grovelling in the dust and my poor self eating dirt thereof and trying shake off the embarrassment. Is ignoring someone so difficult, or is it that I am trying too hard to read into things that eventually don't matter...life is not a chapter, but a novel with many chapters and every chapter comes to an end. It impacts the novel I agree, but it is only the concluding chapter that matters, all the others just lead up to it. I have a strange feeling about this guy, and I don't why I feel, he is emotionally connected to me...else why would someone be repelled...only question is how will I deal with it. Had he ignored me, fine but he says contrary things at different points in time, sometimes I feel I matter, and sometimes I don't...the question no longer is whether I matter, but does he matter...so for most I love literature but for most I hate it too--in his words "emotions" are unbecoming of me! Ten more days and he'd be off miles and miles away, and then he will realize that the emotions he kept running away from are chasing him, the further he goes, the closer he will come to me...I am not a drop of sweat he can wipe of, I am like body odour, and you have to deal with it. He said I should never have a friend like HIM till I die, so be it and he will never be able to love another girl, like he has loved me (unknowingly) till he dies. And distance will make him want me, he will come pursuing me...that is destiny...that is his destiny that he will have to come for me...and he will be driven by the very same emotions for which he called me a "poor little girl" struggling with her emotions...You will seek me...you will have to seek me...it is only a matter of time...I am a sadist...but I want to see you struggle to keep away from the emotion you concur on me, see you struggle to get me!

Before this I never realized that actually the ambience, the weather the mis-en-scene can account for so many of our emotions. Well today during a conversation with a friend, something struck me and for a split second I thought of that phase and that one boy who in ditching me did me so much good. You can't blame anyone who falls in love more with the idea of love in a romantic ambience...can you?

When people around you do not practice what they preach it can really pique you at times. Like this lady I have to report to…she walks in when she feels like walks out on her whims and gives shady instructions, suffers severe mood swings wears casuals on a weekday and for all this if on one day as an exception you did any of these, she’d walk up to you and say weird stuff. Really some people can drive you nuts and just have so much attitude that you’d be sick… 

There is a thrill in my veins as I begin to write again in my blog. It's been some time, got married, finished my M.Phil...life has been moving. Little matured in my outlook but forever lost in my childishness--that is the present status of 'mystic doldrums.' It felt nice to browse through the write-ups and revisit the past, to learn of my frustrations and my elation too! A new job, more new friends...there is so much happening around me. Nothing much to stay at this point...feels good...thanks to my loving parents, my adorable husband, and a bunch of really lovely friends... 

It felt good...

'I, Suchismita Das am sorry to inform you that henceforward I will discontinue my services for your esteemed house on personal grounds'--it felt good to have ended an ordeal that otherwise would have taken me another accident to walk out of. It feels great to be a woman but now that I am growing in years and sensibly too, I've known there are more cons than pros when I'd have to enumerate 'being a woman'. Whether we acknowledge it or not we hardly realize that at the end of the day we are petty creatures left to battle the sexual bias all by ourselves. Till late, or precisely till today, this very moment I did not know that sexual harassment could have such strange methods of being implicated. In retrospect, I felt, I jumped into it with eyes wide open but the brain so oblivious; I could not fathom the depth of the thick soup I was drowning in. Choking, suffocating and at all times holding on to the twig that would hardly bear my weight. But I managed to find the shore right when the twig gave way. This is it with most of us when all is over it dawns on us that we were so STUPID! But having reached the shore I garnered all the courage to pen that spite on paper and no words and no emotional outburst could oh! so wonderfully release me off this burden of harassment. 'I quit' sometimes could just be loaded with meaning--I win!

Its another sick day with a sick feeling in my stomach...

Life can be overtly frustrating at times. Its not that its the scarcity of something that has you brooding but just that nothing seems right. For professional women in love the matters are even worse. As the days go by you realize that love's rosy picture as in the imaginary world of filmography is anything but true. Definitely you have not fallen out of love or for that matter fallen in love with someone else but you see your counterpart is bogged down with his or her own issues that you have just the blog space to bare your heart. Then those hypocritical bosses who for their own ends make you sweat it out and slog and then make you work against your wish--here I'm not just referring to the hours of the day but to the kind of work you are made to do.If you can call it quits you're brave but sometimes showing off your bravery does not go down well with those around you. Its difficult explaining to them that the world is not as it appears.

Just about that...